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to free to be held down..yet so intense i cant be forgotten.. yeah.. thats me and no apologies 

LIMITLESS is an ongoing discovery about a ways of life and how to rise above your challenges. I started this walk in 2009, I stopped, then I came back to my first love. Let's keep doing this people, that way, we would never give up!

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Monday, December 20, 2010


Hey fellas!
It just dawned on me that I'd forgotten to put a post up for my 1st year of blogging! I never knew I would miss it and I am shocked. It's just that my mind has been all up in so many issues that I have not had time to take a breather like focus on the simpler things in life..
Sometimes I wonder if I'm still fit to continue to render advice...
Like 'Physician heal thyself!'
For one so used to giving advice, keeping a clear head when all is in disarray it's so hard when you're in that same situation with your emotions running haywire; you can't even begin to remember the advice you so freely gave.
Still, I want to thank EroLyrics for walking the walk with me right from the get go...It hasn't been easy and I'm not used to 'all of this' still so new to me.. But I'm adapting..
So saying, I'm glad that through blogger, I have met some of the most beautiful,talented,wonderful and mega creative people ever.
I didn't know that Nigeria had such talented people(And I'm so serious). Wonderful friends who I have learnt a lot from and I am honoured to know you all.
Thank you people, Blogger and HAPPY 1ST ANNIVERSARY to me!
I lost someone so close to me that I still can't make sense of it...
Sometimes I get accusing stares like: ' you made him drink more cause you left him'
I wonder if I destroyed his life in any way?
I've been heartbroken but it didn't make me destroy myself, did it?
We were close till the end, wasn't that enough? Yet, I still feel guilty and with that thought in mind I have decided to Re-Post 'Haunted' which I wrote earlier during one of my many moments thinking about him.


Everyday, I think of you, what would have been and what I threw away;
Everyday, I think that I killed you..Not just the day you died,but,when I threw what we had away;
Damn it, I feel so guilty.. feels like each day I live, I live the life you would have..
Damn it, I beat myself up everyday for not being there for you like I should have..
How did I come to be this way?
How could I have lost my soul,thrown it away?
I do my penance everyday, but it's just not enough, never will be..
Everyday, every damn single day, I wish I could call you and say , hey B...
But I can't!!!!
Do you know, I haven't removed you from my friends list on facebook?
I come online and I still rush to see if you're online and by some miracle,if you're there,
-That I could buzz you and ask you where you been and hear you calm me down and promise me goodies..
Worse, I can't seem to delete your number from my phones, and all..
what is this?
It's worse because since we're neighbours, I keep expecting you to drive by so we could go hang out..
How did you get so sick and I, me, that we share everything didn't know?
Surrounded with medicine as we both are and with all the medical services, how didn't we know.. ?
When we were back in school that you used to smoke and drink so much.. I tried to make you stop..
-And you did.... That was one of the conditions you had to meet before We date.
Why then do you haunt me?Why the torment?..
When it was time for a transplant,I willingly offered mine, but you, you in your stubbornness, refused
You refused telling me it wasn't that bad.. and me in my stupidity.. I believed you.
-Little did I know it was your way of protecting me..
I should have persevered!
I should have kept calling, maybe then now, I wouldn't be writing this.
This, this?what will it do for me? for you?will it bring you back?
Will it give me just a second, minute, to change it all ?
Because that is what I need..
Time to change this, see you smile,see your dimples..
Mock your inability to use your right hand and call you 'leftie'
and watch you riddled with embarrassment
hear you gimme gist.. Oh you really could tell stories and I enjoyed it!
I keep asking myself if I married you when you asked if things would be better?
I keep asking myself that if I had called you that morning, if you'd be here?
I keep wondering why I let that novel make me call later, and then , you were gone..
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry I wasn't there
I'm sorry, I took you for granted!Now you're gone and I can't take it back!
If I can, tell me, I will.
Everyday, I see things, stuff that remind me of you,
And I can't do this anymore.. I can't..
Tell me, what you want and I will
My guilt is punishing me and you can add more and I won't mind, just to show you that I'm sorry.
Just please don't haunt me anymore, please.


Naijamum said...

Oh wow!
I really felt your pain coming through.....
Some advice from me (if you dont mind):
If you want this person to stop 'haunting' you; you really have to start forgiving yourself. Life is too short to keep on dragging guilt around with you. This will make you to weak to deal with other immediate day-to-day challenges.

doll said...

wow..you don't have to blame yourself...as long as you dint open his mouth and force alcohol down it, you are not to blame...try and forgive yourself so you can move on.

Sorry about your loss.

merry xmas

1manview said...

When you stop feeling guilty for being a friend, your self haunting will stop haunting you... Friends who believe in friends, sometimes miss the obvious, you can't keep beating up on yourself for being human...

Say a prayer for him on Christmas, then let him go..

Naijalines said...

The cold truth: You did not make those choices. He did. And because we all arrive in this world alone and leave alone, you've got to let him go, dearie. Peace. Have a great christmas. He would want you to:)

Solomon said...

All we can do is keep moving forward. The decisions others make and the consequences that are the result are theirs alone to bare.

Everyone must live with the choices they chose to make in this lifetime. We cannot get all caught up worrying about the decisions others have made and the consequences resulting from those decisions.

We can hope the best for them, and love them, but it does us no good whatsoever to carry around the pain, and the burden of others.

I call that letting others rent space in my head. I made a decision many years ago not to play that game any longer. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done.

T.Notes said...

2CUTE, 2CUTE, 2CUTE ChaCha, how many times i call you now?!!!
No worries, i still love u sha.

seye said...

It's been a year I have known you. You know that right?

Waffarian said...

Merry Christmas! Wishing lots of love, joy, peace and happiness.

Keep being you.

Happy anniversary!

Nice Anon said...

The first step to getting over something is to forgive ones self of any wrong doing. DO that and everything else will fall into place.

Happy New year!

Suru said...

hey dear I'm sorry I've been away. Happy one year anniversary. I'm glad to have found your blog. I hope that you get through your situation stronger and better.

BSNC said...

Happy 365 days anniversary. Glad you came into blogsville even though i am not here that much i still think you have a great blog.

Compliments of the season.

Anonymous said...


wish you more ink to your pen.

♥ CG ♥ said...

Hey lady! Gosh, I read this and meant to comment. It's so relative. Amazing how we reflect and find some missteps that we can repair. I've started chalking them up as lessons learned, but it doesn't change the start of the connection all that much *sigh*

Congrats on a year of great advice and support! Happy New Year, my friend :-)!

ManCee said...

Happy blogniversary!

On the other mara...
(1.) *warm bear hug*
(2.) Ask yourself...what would he have wanted you to do? Get a hunchback from carrying near-baseless guilt around OR remember him and the fun times with a smile AND pass on that smile to the world...


Mancee and the multitude salute you. :)