HAUNTED

Everyday, I  think of you, what would have been and what I threw away;
Everyday, I think that I killed you..Not just the day you died,but,when I threw what we had away;
Damn it, I feel so guilty.. feels like each day I live, I live the life you would have..
Damn it, I beat myself up everyday for not being there for you like I should have..
  How did I come to be this way?
  How could I have lost my soul,thrown it away?
I do my penance everyday, but it's just not enough, never will be..
Everyday, every damn single day, I wish I could call you and say , hey B...
But I can't!!!!
Do you know, I haven't removed you from my friends list on facebook?
I come online and I still rush to see if you're online and by some miracle,if  you're there,
-That I could buzz you and ask you where you been and hear you calm me down and promise me goodies..
 Worse, I can't seem to delete your number from my phones, and all..
 what is this?
It's worse because since we're neighbours, I keep expecting you to drive by so we could go hang out..
 How did you get so sick and I, me, that we share everything didn't know?
Surrounded with medicine as we both are and with all the medical services, how didn't we know.. ?
When we were back in school that you  used to smoke and drink so much.. I tried to make you stop..
-And you did.... That was one of the conditions you had to meet before We date.
 Why then do you haunt me?Why the torment?..
When it was time for a transplant,I willingly offered mine, but you, you in your stubborness, refused
You refused telling me it wasn't that bad.. and me in my stupidity.. I believed you.
-Little did I know it was your way of protecting me..
 I should hav persevered!
I should have kept calling, maybe then now, I wouldn't be writing this.
 This, this?what will it do for me? for you?will it bring you back?
Will it give me just a second, minute, to change it all ?
Because that is what I need..
Time to change this, see you smile,see your dimples..
 Mock your inability to use your right hand.. and call you 'leftie'
and watch you riddled with embarrasment
hear you gimme gist.. Oh you really could tell stories and I enjoyed it!
 I keep asking myself if I married you when you asked if things would be better?
I keep asking myself that if I had called you that morning, if you'd be here?
I keep wondering why I let that novel make me call later, and then , you were gone..
I'm sorry,
 I'm sorry I wasn't there
I'm sorry, I took you for granted!Now you're gone and I can't take it back!
If I can, tell me, I will.
Everyday, I see things, stuff that remind me of you,
 And I can't do this anymore.. I can't..
Tell me, what you want and I will
My guilt is punishing me and you can add more and I won't mind, just to show you that I'm sorry.
Just please don't haunt me anymore, please.

HARSH.

24th of December, I woke up to the realisation that I had been neck deep buried in work,life,stress and that I had begun to forget what it was to smile or even just plain, relax.I had become boring,dull,predictable.I even forgot Christmas!
 I haven't been paid for a coupleof months.I consoled myself that I would have my arrears of salary and my december pay.I looked forward too it,I had bills to settle so financially, I was out.I just dreamed about payday.
Then came payday-My bss in all his manipulative/devious splendor gave us the shocker announcement...
No salary, that the recession is so bad, He can barely pay...'don't worry, next year will be better'
     We all stood watching him while he maintained this unreadable facade on his face.If I could beat him up, I would have and gladly at that.Why... I had caught real good cases,jobs that had yielded really good pay.These days people just use this recession issue as an excuse.It's become an anthem!Still, I  had to leave the office on the 24th of December at 7pm,Imagine that....!
The good news guys is that I was able to meet up.I didn't do the shopping,A loved one helped me out and she did it well.So, I spread the love around.I did the best I could, given the circumstance.Now, what I meant by 'given the circumstance', I mean with my savings, I made people around me smile, irrespective of the fact that I had planned for more.
 Here's wishin y'all the merriest (If there's a word ) of the holiday,I'd see you on the other side.Muahhh!

FINE BOY (prt2)!!!

I promised to continue, this my 'beef'gist later abi?Why do I hate 'fine boy'?hmmm..Here.
 When he moved in to my 'happening' neighbourhod, after my first predictable 'forming', we started exchanging pleasantries,Ask how each other's day went and all..From there, we entered gist of our likes and dislikes, you know, friendly neighbour talk..
One day, while at work, he sent me a text saying we should get together that evening.. That he'd come and pick me up from my place of work.. Ha.. well in my  mind, It was free dinner and any other 'osho' free buying involved,If you must know, I love 'awuf' pass myself oh.. Okay back to my gist..
    He picked me up and in the middle of our dinner,(I wasn't really interested in what he had to say, I actually thought he just needed a friendly face, and what better face than that of a neighbour.?)  The guy now told me..
    '' I've been waiting for you to tell me that which you've been trying to tell me all this while...''
I'm like ??????  'what's this guy saying?'   I had no clue as to what he really meant.. Well, trust me now, I asked him to spare me let me finish my food,I was that free with him, He now said ......."Oh please admit it, you've got the hots for me" I just opened my mouth and stared at him... I looked for the next decent nice thing to say to make up for that awkward moment,and then, He now messed it up by saying.....
       " I gave you your shot and your're not taking it, what's with the attitude?you want something, say you do and stop hiding behind your timid walls."
  Come see fire!Fellas, I sparked oh...I dressed him down...I can still remember almost word for word what I said to him.. I asked him who the hell did he think he was?Talking to me like I was one dope skull looking for a fix from him?Imagine?!The cheek of it all!Told him to blaze faster in Hell where he belonged..
Anyway, throughout my 'raking' he just sat there feeling like one king.. and that annoyed and irritated me, Knowing that my ranting will make it sound like, it was actually true.. so I tried to calm myself down and told him to take me home...
Fine boy did.... but when we got home, you know what he told me?...'you'd come back but I  won't be there'
Hissssssss!The next day, I saw him and didn't say hi, he didn't too..and we've have been that way ever since.. I don't give two hoots about him, but these days, he's begining to get in my face..
What really pissed me off was his chauvinistic view that I'd have the hots for him.. and when he said that he did, with all the arrogance and assumption.. Anyway sha, I jump and pass that kain guy abeg!  Next gist abeg..
 peace  I'm out.


      

FINE BOY!!!!

This hols, all the new faces I'm seeing really reminding me I don't have much time left.I really should round up and leave.. but these clients won't just let me see road!When you give them prize, the way they just diminish in from of me like say I dey sell crayfish....Hisssss!
 Anyway, this fine boy I have as a neighbour is begining to get on my nerves oh.. Which kain thing be this def?!Oh no dont get me wrong.. I'm not tripping for the He-goat oh.
The guy's just plain annoying!To make matters worse everyone seems to like him and he basks in it ,like ...."yeah it's my due".I always want to wipe that smirk off his face!, and since I can't, I just make his life as uncomfortable as I can. I mean, I just dey bust the guy"s job when chics come visit him. When I"m home, I every female visitor back, cus he really likes them and they come in droves!Stupid girls!I know I'm hearing  'pepper body" there, but, I don't really care!
Why I hate him?I'd give you guys the lowdown when next I come in..I gotta bounce!

SO TRUE....

.......Once a woman is hurt,
        No matter how many years go by,
         She never forgets or forgives.

IM NOT BAD!!!

I work Monday through Saturday.I barely have time for myself, for you and the world;Yes because you all need me.Now i'm not trying to sound patronising,No, I'm not full of myself; It's just a fact.
In my home, where I stay,(although lately,I've been told I'm a tenant and need to get my house or get married,arrrrgh!)The rule is that on Sunday if you do not get to go to church;you own the housework for the day and of course,the cooking...But this is not fair!How can I clean the whole house,everyone's room and still cook for all these gluttons(I'm not a glutton) and still have time for you?
    I am always a defaulter because I do not go to church.No... Do not even go there!Don't think I'm a bad person,It's just that how can I combine going to church,doing my laundry,manicure,pedicure,facials and also giving you the attention you deserve if I do not take Sundays off huh?Since yeah, I work 6 days out of  7days of the week?
    I tell you this, I am not bad.I don't smoke, drink, gamble, can't even remember the last time I had sex not to mention a kiss(not even stealing one)... I mean,that counts for something right?It has got to!Anyway, I don't need to start feeling guilty, but, I feel bad!
I am consoling myself with this:
A sister to a convicted criminal during the investigation of the crime her brother committed, while vouching for him said   "He's a good man!He never misses church every Sunday"...
     Well, finally,the police gathered hard evidence against him, He confessed,to raping and killing 16 women.
I am definitely better oh.. (not trying to soung like the Pharisee)But praise me small na....Then maybe, I just might squeeze out time to go to church.
im out.

THE GAME(prt 2)

Last time, I went ahead to narrate rules of a farmilair game.. Heres the conclusion;
        I just kept hoping that one day, surely even he would see that I loved him and he would man up and say "cutey, I love you to bits!!!"In between, we'd have our disagreements drift for a while but we always got back and we got closer.Time was when I used to listen to 3T's song"I will do anything for you"and scuff at it like....
"Oh please....gimme a break!Anything indeed!"It got to a point where I could do anything for him and yeah in most ways than not,I did and you know what?I never did care.Show me a crazy person and I'd show you a woman in love!
             Three years rolled by and this 'thingy' continued although our friends thought we werent togther anymore.I came down from my workstation to see him,spend 'time' with him.One of those days,' Went shopping with my girl and in between,(you know chics and how we love to gist...)she told me that he had started seeing someone- a yankee chic. I just keep face like say wetin she talk no concern me-Why  I did that?'cause she for kill me if to say i still dey in an undefined 'thing'.Anyway,i shoved the thought out of my mind cause,I didnt just believe it.I just felt it was one of 'those' things poeple say.. you know?, to spice up things.
    I confronted him and he accused me of jumping to conclusions without hearing from him and since I had erred in that aspect before and it took a lot of apologies to get us back, i swiftly apologised and we agreed to see each other the next day...Hmmm... When i saw him at a shopping plaza, normal him with his P.D.A(public display of affection)he came, swung me up,embraced and kissed me.I always loved when he did that;It was like I was the most special woman and he was saying"Hey, this is my woman and i'm laying my claim on her" (But all that one na just story!all that is just for show, just to deceive).I didnt let myself get carried away on that day nor did I lose focus, i just felt we had played this game long enoughand this was it.. The hour of truth..I dragged him to our table oh and eyeball to eyeball I asked him, you know what he said?'yes, but i can explain"
      People, I died and woke up!, and then, He started yarning crap.Maybe 'cause he spoke about his feelings for me for the first time or just cause,I desperately wanted to believe him,I just dont know.He told me he loved me,that it happened one of those periods when we drifted apart and he was angry at me then and wanted to forget me, bla bla bla.See me see my life! I was broken,so crushed was I that I became stupid enough to ask him to choose me!Imagine?I just lost my  self -respect,Anyway,I stupidly spent time with him , we had sex which was the worst we had ever had.I'm sure we did it thinking it would make things better, give us that sense of normalcy.He said he hadnt slept with her,(Stories that touch!, like i care)That wasnt important to me.The most important thing was he had betrayed me,my trust and I didnt know how to get past that.To make matters worse,the 'yankee'chic called and he left and went to see her after explaining to me that ,in his words.. "She's supposed to be my girlfriend,she's ill and needs me,I have to go see her"
   I think that was when i started to hate him.Things after that were never the same,no matter how much He tried or how we tried to hold on,Things got worse and we specialised in hurting each other.I was heartbroken. .. Well, finally, He chose her and then I had to get through the process of not calling him,not taking his calls.But hey, I'm here aint I?I got through it and thats what's important.I'm a better person.The rules of the game is not to get emotionally attached that way, you stay on top of your game....i'm out!
 

THE GAME

I've always prided myself as being emtionally detached,cold even.'never liked the mushy feelin love or emotional attachment ives.. To me, it was always messy,always could never stop bein complicated.Otherwise, explain to me hw somethin so clear cut could turn messy?But then,it did.It did when i allwed myself to care, to feel, believe.
    I met him when i was still in the university, my final year;i was looking for someone to 'warm' my phone.Mutual friends hooked us up;Right from when we started our phne talk,it was perfect,too perfect even.,waslike i had known him all my life...Him to.Then we met... It was so real, my dream guy,i dumped the one i was seeing for him, he was worth it...and i dived headlon into this 'thingy'.
    Each day we got closr and yet we didnt define whait was we were doing.In my own naivity,i didnt think there was need to ask if we were dating,questions like "what are we doing","what ami to you"and all that did not come up.... I stupidly assumed and well,why wouldn't I?I mean,we wereon the phone,all day,we texted, chatted and spoke.Hewas carin and attentive.Hemade me laugh,no dull moment..
                   I seem to be missing the sex part,It was explosive;got better each day or time we spent together.I learnt to trust..He was perfect to me.He just could not lie or cheat.One thing I counted on was whatever it was, come out in the open and say it.Even if it evoked anger and whatever else is there,the better.I started to believe, that love was enough and at that time, it was.finally, i had fallen in love with him.I didnt mind that i kept tellin him that and he never told me not even for a day.
           TO BE CONTINUED............................

FREE ANSWERS TO ANY QUESTIONS: Is time to leave?

FREE ANSWERS TO ANY QUESTIONS: Is time to leave?
10 ways to know when to leave.
1...when you easily irritate and never seem to please you partner.
2.when your partner constantly critcises your appearance..
3. where in a relationship which includes sex....its not as frequent,fun connecting as it usually is
4.where the partner cheats, keeps cheating, and doesnt want to end it..
5.when you start losing yourself.. and you dont know who you are anymore
6.when you depend on your partner for happiness
7.when you both exchange such angry words, hurt each other,and just keep on wanting to hurt..
8.when you keep crying...
9.when you you lose your self esteem and become sucidal.
10.when you become too possesive and obsessed with your partner.
ANY COMMENTS?SEND THEM IN..

Is time to leave?

Im so confused rite now, ive tried to make my relationship work.. but it keeps getting harder... john makes it so hard.. nothing  i do makes a difference.. its like ive lost  myself.. tell me, wat can i do?is it time to  leave?

Dearie,

           you shouldnt have to lose your life.. for something you know or that is obviously not making you happy.. so.., wat to do?we"d find out if its time 4 u to leave,....find out soonest..is it time to leave?