HAUNTED

Everyday, I  think of you, what would have been and what I threw away;
Everyday, I think that I killed you..Not just the day you died,but,when I threw what we had away;
Damn it, I feel so guilty.. feels like each day I live, I live the life you would have..
Damn it, I beat myself up everyday for not being there for you like I should have..
  How did I come to be this way?
  How could I have lost my soul,thrown it away?
I do my penance everyday, but it's just not enough, never will be..
Everyday, every damn single day, I wish I could call you and say , hey B...
But I can't!!!!
Do you know, I haven't removed you from my friends list on facebook?
I come online and I still rush to see if you're online and by some miracle,if  you're there,
-That I could buzz you and ask you where you been and hear you calm me down and promise me goodies..
 Worse, I can't seem to delete your number from my phones, and all..
 what is this?
It's worse because since we're neighbours, I keep expecting you to drive by so we could go hang out..
 How did you get so sick and I, me, that we share everything didn't know?
Surrounded with medicine as we both are and with all the medical services, how didn't we know.. ?
When we were back in school that you  used to smoke and drink so much.. I tried to make you stop..
-And you did.... That was one of the conditions you had to meet before We date.
 Why then do you haunt me?Why the torment?..
When it was time for a transplant,I willingly offered mine, but you, you in your stubborness, refused
You refused telling me it wasn't that bad.. and me in my stupidity.. I believed you.
-Little did I know it was your way of protecting me..
 I should hav persevered!
I should have kept calling, maybe then now, I wouldn't be writing this.
 This, this?what will it do for me? for you?will it bring you back?
Will it give me just a second, minute, to change it all ?
Because that is what I need..
Time to change this, see you smile,see your dimples..
 Mock your inability to use your right hand.. and call you 'leftie'
and watch you riddled with embarrasment
hear you gimme gist.. Oh you really could tell stories and I enjoyed it!
 I keep asking myself if I married you when you asked if things would be better?
I keep asking myself that if I had called you that morning, if you'd be here?
I keep wondering why I let that novel make me call later, and then , you were gone..
I'm sorry,
 I'm sorry I wasn't there
I'm sorry, I took you for granted!Now you're gone and I can't take it back!
If I can, tell me, I will.
Everyday, I see things, stuff that remind me of you,
 And I can't do this anymore.. I can't..
Tell me, what you want and I will
My guilt is punishing me and you can add more and I won't mind, just to show you that I'm sorry.
Just please don't haunt me anymore, please.